It’s an old Honda, it’s not fast it’s just loud.

Rawr XD

I’ve been a Linux user on and off since 2009. This is my first time truly daily driving KDE Plasma since KDE 4 on Ubuntu 12.04. Coming from someone who daily drove Gnome for the last 7 years on her laptop(s), the paradigm shift has been… Odd to adjust to.

I’ll probably do a full write up on this eventually.

I tried to quit when you went to shit, when you proved to the world that you only cared about yourselves and not the people who needed you most. But here I am coming back for more like a god damn junkie. I kinda hate this, not gonna lie, but there’s really nothing else like VRchat.

VRchat is a weird and amazing thing when you’re queer. The aging 2019 Unity Engine LTS build it uses, although held together by duct tape and super glue, provides near infinite capabilities for self expression to those who have the time and patience to understand how to use it’s SDK toolkit alongside other community tools like various Blender Plugins. It goes without saying, for those such as myself who have struggled with their own identity for a long time, this shit will crack eggs. And it shattered what remained of mine in the beginning of 2020. This is why this badly written and mismanaged clusterfuck of a Unity game holds a special place in my heart.

To make a very fucking long story short, I’ve been on VRchat since basically the beginning. My earliest memories of VRC were in late 2017, early 2018 where everything was far more raw, simple, and experimental. VRchat itself was a blank canvas, and on that canvas was a tight knit community that spawned an iconic culture all to its own. And yes, before anyone asks I do know de wae. But for those early years, mainly because of my lack of budget and stable income, I was tied down to just keyboard and mouse controls from a desktop PC. It’s a sub ideal way to play VRC but you make do with what you have in that kind of situation and make the best of it. So when I had the means to get my own headset in the beginning of 2020, an Oculus Rift S, you can bet your ass the first thing I loaded into was VRchat.

Before we continue, I need to introduce the concept of phantom touch or phantom sense. Phantom touch is a term that was originally for amputees who could feel their missing limbs when given certain stimuli, typically some form of mirror therapy or sometimes via ones prosthetics. Phantom senses in VR are along the same lines. For all intents and purposes, your avatar in VR is the same as your body to your brain. Now, not everyone gets this, and those who do get it in varying amounts in just different ways. I’m admittedly on the more extreme end of this, as far as my brain gives a shit my avatar is my body and that ends up causing some interesting sensations. Most importantly, it pretty much drives my own choice of avatar since a lot of options out there just don’t feel right. Yeah an avatar may be super cute or super funny but with that level of immersion for someone like myself it becomes very apparent that a lot of things will give full on dysphoria. This isn’t really limited to anything either, I’ve noped off of cute looking avatars for a variety of reasons, sometimes even just small things like clothing, hair style, body proportions, height, etc. On the flip side of that, the right avatar can relieve a lot of dysphoria for someone like me who does experience gender dysphoria regularly in their day to day lives. So what were my options then?

1. Wade through a lot of public avatars until you find something anywhere between just right to perfect. The world of public avatars available is almost limitless, as games driven by user generated content tend to be so there’s plenty of options.
2. Make your own avatar, either from scratch or a prefab base. This is again where the limitlessness of the engine comes into play, where the only limitation is your own technical abilities with Unity SDK, and tools like Blender or Maya.

I got lucky and took option one. I found one that felt just right, a Tda based red haired fox girl in a cute hoodie, crop top, and jeans, and only needed a few minor tweaks. While there was a bit of a language barrier, the creator of this avatar and I got something worked out and the image above is the result. This is me. This was when what remained of my egg, so to speak, was completely fucking shattered into oblivion. This was where I realized that “Nah yeah I’m not fucking cis,” after years of going back and forth and being on the fence about my own sense of self. Ultimately, VRchat ended up a coping mechanism for my dysphoria. I was free. I was me. I ended up parting ways with the guy who made the model posted above for reasons I won’t get into. I was never given the source files to update the model to SDK3 so where it is now is where it will be forever until SDK2 gets dropped entirely. So, in mid 2021 when I found a prefab base that was relatively well support and easy to work with on booth.pm called Imeris, I jumped on that. I re-made me.

Maybe to a bit of an extreme, but whatever. Bouncy squishy boobs on my chest makes girly gender euphoria go brrrr in a way I can’t get over. But this is how I stayed for about a year without any major changes save for some new outfits every now and then.

In August, 2022, VRchat implemented EasyAntiCheat into the game. The reasoning for it is all over the place and while I have some insider information as to why it’s not been stated publicly and I don’t feel like getting sued into oblivion. But regardless of their reasoning, no matter how much public backlash they got, no matter how many members of the community who relied on third party client mods for accessibility for various disabilities and basic usability and quality of life functions not present in the base game, they pushed the patch out live anyways. They pushed out a patch knowing it broke compatibility with some Oculus headsets and software, this even was noted in the patch notes. They didn’t care about us. That much was clear.

I swore off VRchat then and there, but the reality is the other options all sucked. NeosVR had NFT integration which is something I despise on principle. ChilloutVR, while promising, still lacks a lot of the functionality for their dev tools that makes a lot of my shit work. It was on par with early VRchat SDK1 and SDK2 tools, which compared to SDK3 with Udon were beyond archaic. I tried to give that some love, but it’s so far from ready to take the place of VRchat that I couldn’t switch over. Maybe some day, though, CVR will be in a position where it’s a suitable place to call my home in the metaverse.

So after dealing with VRC being broken for months on my machine, I finally figured out a workaround. Turns out my main issue where VRchat was crashing to desktop was because of some sandboxing options I had enabled way back when I was still running Windows 10. Disabling these settings fixed the crashing to desktop, but Oculus overlay still crashes any time the virtual desktops are used. This, however and unfortunately, is a documented issue because of how EAC works, and there’s no real fix for it. In any case though, I can be me again. And while unfortunately a lot of my friends have left VRC entirely post EAC update, there’s still enough to justify sticking around.

At the time of writing this, I’m a month out from hopefully receiving hormone replacement treatment and beginning my transition proper. It’s a bit overdue, admittedly, but I know some day soon I’ll feel comfortable in my own shell. For now, this will continue to be my escapism from the dysphoria that’s plagued me for years.

Stay floofy~ 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈❤️